Natalie HoganIt happens in quiet moments. You’re folding laundry or making dinner, and suddenly you think: “I could just leave.” The thought feels both terrifying and liberating. But then reality hits, and that familiar voice: “It’s too late now. You’ve invested too much. You can’t start over at your age.”
So you talk yourself back from the edge, the way you always do.
The stories we tell ourselves when we’re tired
When you’ve been worn down by years of manipulation, your brain starts playing tricks on you. It begins to feel safer to stay in the dysfunction you know than to face the unknown you don’t. Your mind becomes a master at rationalisation.
“At least he’s a good provider…” (even though he uses money to control your every move).
“Maybe if I just try harder…” (even though you’ve been trying harder for years, and nothing you do is ever enough).
“It’s not that bad…” (even though you cry in your car after every family gathering).
Then finally you say to yourself: “I’m too old to start over…” even though you’re the same age as people who change careers, find new love, and buy first homes.
These aren’t signs of weakness. They’re signs of exhaustion. When someone has spent years systematically breaking down your sense of reality, your brain starts to protect itself by minimising the damage.
You feel trapped by the bone-deep weariness that comes from constantly managing someone else’s emotions, walking on eggshells, and questioning your own perceptions. After years of this, the idea of starting over feels impossible not because you’re incapable, but because you’re running on empty.
Rediscovering what you’ve always known
Here’s the hardest truth: they never truly loved you. But here’s the liberating one: you can start loving yourself. And that means learning to trust your own instincts again – something they’ve spent years teaching you not to do.
Narcissistic abuse systematically dismantles your relationship with your own intuition. Remember when you used to have gut feelings about people, and could sense their energy, motives and issues?
That wasn’t paranoia. That was wisdom.
A narcissist’s primary weapon is making you doubt what you know to be true. They’ll tell you that you’re “too sensitive” when you react to their cruelty. They’ll insist you’re “overreacting” when you notice their lies. They’ll convince you that you’re “imagining things” when you feel their contempt.
Over time, you learn to ignore the alarm bells. You learn to silence the voice that says “something isn’t right here.” You become afraid of your own perceptions because trusting them feels dangerous – what if you’re wrong? What if you really are too sensitive, too dramatic, too much?
But your intuition isn’t broken. It’s been buried under years of being told it doesn’t matter. Your intuition is still there, waiting patiently – it’s designed to protect you, and it’s time to let it do its job again.
Making it doable: the two-degree shift
You don’t have to transform your entire life overnight. You don’t have to figure out every detail before you take the first step.
Think of it like adjusting a ship’s course. A two-degree change in direction seems insignificant at first, but over hundreds of miles, it takes you to a completely different destination.
Your two-degree shift might be:
- Opening your own bank account
- Reconnecting with one old friend
- Researching legal rights in your area
- Having one honest conversation with someone you trust
Not dramatic. Not life-shattering. Just two degrees towards a different life.
Each small step builds evidence for your brain that change is possible, that you’re capable, that the unknown isn’t as terrifying as staying stuck. You’re not jumping off a cliff – you’re taking one step towards the edge of your comfort zone, then another, until one day you realise you’re standing somewhere completely new.
The truth about “too late”
Every day you stay is a day you’re choosing their version of love over your own well-being. Every day you stay is a day you’re teaching your children this is normal. Every day you stay is a day you’re not living the life that’s waiting for you.
But also: every day you’re alive is a day it’s not too late to choose differently.
The woman who leaves at 25 isn’t braver than the woman who leaves at 45 or 65. She’s just leaving at a different time. Your timing is your timing.
The life you’re afraid you’re too old to build? Someone your age is building it right now. The fresh start you think you’ve missed? Someone with your exact circumstances is making it happen today. The peace you think you don’t deserve? Someone who felt just as broken as you do now is living it.
You must put yourself first
Narcissists do not change – they are incapable of change. Things will never be better; you will always be a victim as long as they are in your life. You must put yourself first, even if that means leaving the narcissist in order to be free again and live a good life.
This may seem like a huge step, but it is one you are more than capable of taking, despite what the narcissist may have to say on the subject.
You are deserving of a healthy, respectful relationship.
Right now. As you are. This recognition – truly believing you deserve better – can be the catalyst that changes everything. Because once you stop settling for survival and start demanding to thrive, the path forward becomes clear.
It’s not too late. It’s just time.
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Ready to explore what your two-degree shift might look like? Sometimes the journey to freedom starts with a single conversation with someone who understands the path. Contact me if you’re looking for support – from feeling trapped to finding freedom, one small step at a time.
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