Why new leaders struggle to say no (and how to change that)

It’s 9 PM on a Thursday evening, and one of my clients emails me to reschedule a coaching session, saying “I’m still at my desk responding to another ‘quick request.’ My to-do list keeps growing, not shrinking. I thought being promoted meant I’d have more control, not less.”

This is one of the most common challenges I see with new leaders – they say yes when they desperately want to say no.

The new leader’s dilemma

You remember what it was like, don’t you? When you were the one asking your boss for something and they said no. Maybe it felt like rejection. Perhaps you even thought, “When I’m in charge, I’ll be different. I’ll be the leader who’s always there for my team.”

Now you’re that leader. And you’re discovering something unexpected: saying yes to everything doesn’t make you a better leader. It’s actually making you less effective.

Why new leaders struggle to say no

Through my coaching work, I’ve identified three reasons new leaders fall into the people-pleasing trap:

The Likability Trap: You want to be liked, especially when you’re new to the role. But what I’ve observed is this: the leaders who try hardest to be liked often command the least respect. Why? Because constantly saying yes teaches your team that your boundaries don’t exist – and leaders without boundaries can’t provide the clarity and direction that teams need.

The Approval Reflex: Remember when you needed your boss’s approval for decisions? That pattern doesn’t automatically disappear when you become the boss. One client confided: “Every time I consider saying no, I worry about what people will think. Will they see me as unhelpful? Difficult?” Tethering her self-worth to others’ approval was exhausting her.

The Imposter Syndrome Factor: If you’re dealing with imposter syndrome (and most new leaders are), saying yes can feel like proof that you deserve your position. The reality? Overcommitment simply proves you haven’t yet learned one of leadership’s most essential skills: prioritisation.

The hidden cost of always saying yes

When you say yes to everything, you’re modelling overcommitment to your team, creating unrealistic expectations about your availability, diluting your focus from strategic priorities, building resentment that will eventually surface, and undermining your authority by treating all requests as equally important.

By trying to please everyone, you often end up serving no one well – including yourself.

Six strategies to break free and lead authentically

1. Understand that “No” is not rejection

Your time and energy are genuinely limited resources. Every yes to something is automatically a no to something else – often something more important.

When I work with clients on this, we reframe what “no” actually means. It’s not rejection. It’s clarity. It’s strategic thinking. It’s leadership.

Practise saying it confidently: “I can’t take that on right now” or “That doesn’t align with my current priorities.” One client was shocked when, after she declined a colleague’s request with a simple “My plate is full with strategic projects this quarter,” the colleague responded with: “Fair enough. I appreciate you being straight with me.”

2. Validate yourself first

One leader I coached realised she was constantly seeking validation from her CEO for every decision. After some leadership coaching, she started making decisions aligned with her team’s mandate without seeking permission first.

The result? Her CEO’s respect for her leadership actually increased. He later told her: “I promoted you because I trust your judgement. When you kept asking for my input on everything, it made me question whether you were ready for the role.”

3. Embrace difficult conversations

When you avoid saying no, you’re avoiding a difficult conversation. Here’s what I’ve observed through coaching: facing tough discussions with honesty and empathy builds trust and respect far more effectively than avoiding them.

Your team needs to see you have difficult conversations. It shows them how to handle their own.

4. Protect your well-being (so you can protect theirs)

Another leader was so busy taking care of everyone else’s needs that she’d neglected her own health for over two years. When she finally addressed it, she realised her constant stress was affecting not just her well-being, but her team’s morale and productivity.

Your team is watching you. If you’re burnt out and overcommitted, you’re implicitly giving them permission to do the same. Model the work-life integration you want them to have.

5. Set clear boundaries and enforce them

Boundaries aren’t walls that keep people out – they’re guidelines that help people understand how to work with you effectively. But they only work if you enforce them.

Be clear about your boundaries and communicate them openly. For example:

“I don’t respond to emails after 7 PM, but I’m always available first thing in the morning.”

“I block Fridays for strategic work and won’t be taking meetings that day.”

Then maintain those boundaries consistently. I worked with one leader who told his team he wouldn’t answer emails after 8 PM, then consistently responded late at night anyway. His team learned the boundary didn’t really exist. When he finally stopped responding late, he learned to calmly restate: “As I mentioned, I don’t work in the evenings. I’ll respond to this first thing tomorrow.” Within weeks, late-night emails decreased.

6. Practise the pause

Before automatically saying yes to the next request, pause. I teach my clients to ask themselves:

• Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to and have capacity?
• Or am I saying yes because I’m afraid to disappoint or be judged?
• What am I saying no to if I say yes to this?

One simple practice: when someone makes a request, respond with “Let me check my priorities and get back to you by end of day.” This gives you time to consider whether this request truly deserves a yes.

The path forward

Breaking free from people-pleasing is about leading from a place of authenticity, making strategic choices about where to invest your limited time and energy, and modelling the boundaries your team needs to see.

Through my coaching work, I’ve seen leaders make this shift. Their leadership becomes more sustainable, their relationships more genuine, and their impact more meaningful. They stop exhausting themselves trying to be everything to everyone, and start focussing their energy where it truly matters.

The next time someone makes a request of you, pause before answering. Notice your instinct. Then ask yourself: “Does this align with my priorities? Do I actually have capacity for this?”

If you’re struggling with this transition, you’re not alone. Learning to say no is one of the most challenging – and most essential – skills you’ll develop as a leader.

Are you ready to start saying no and lead from a place of authenticity?