Aggeliki FaitaA few weeks ago, I sat with a client – let’s call her Claire – who said something that hit me straight in the heart.
She took a deep breath, looked down at her hands, and whispered:
“I don’t think I’m lovable.”
And the moment she said it, I felt something familiar inside me. Because I had been her at some point in my life. And maybe… you have too.
The story: two people, one person, two realities
Claire was describing someone in her life – a colleague she found cold and dismissive. “She doesn’t like me,” she said.
“She never looks at me properly. She avoids me. I can feel it.”
Two days later, I met someone who also knew this same colleague.
And she described her like this:
“Oh, she’s lovely! A bit shy, but so warm once you get to know her.”
Same woman. Two completely different experiences. Two completely different emotional worlds.
That’s when I told Claire something that changed her face instantly:
“We’re not experiencing other people.
We’re experiencing our thoughts about them.”
She stared at me for a moment. Something inside her softened.
The mirror no one talks about
This is the moment I always come back to in my own life: Every relationship is a mirror reflecting how we think about ourselves.
When I’m kinder to me, I’m kinder to you. When I’m harsh on me, I become harsh on the world.
That colleague wasn’t cold.
Claire just didn’t feel lovable – so she was looking at the world through a lens of rejection. And I understood her so deeply because for years, I did the same.
When I felt unlovable, everything felt like a threat. A neutral sentence sounded like criticism. A slow reply felt like abandonment. A different opinion felt like disapproval.
When you don’t feel lovable, the world becomes a place you have to survive. When you do feel lovable, the world becomes a place where you can breathe.
Your lovability begins with you – past, present, future
I asked Claire one powerful question:
“If you were 100% lovable from the moment you were born – and nothing has ever changed that – what would be different?”
She paused.
Her shoulders dropped.
She took a long exhale.
And then she said quietly:
“I think I would finally stop trying so hard.”
And that is what lovability is.
It doesn’t come from what your parents said,
or what your ex told you,
or how someone treated you,
or how many mistakes you made in the past.
Lovability is a commitment to rewriting the old story —
and choosing a gentler one.
It is accepting your past self with compassion,
embracing your present self without judgement,
and committing to your future self with courage.
The truth about love – the one that sets you free
I told Claire something that felt shocking to her at first:
“When you say, ‘She isn’t lovable,’
what you really mean is,
’I am struggling to love her.’
That’s about your lovability, not hers.”
She blinked. Then she whispered: “So she’s 100% lovable too?”
“Yes,” I said. “We all are.”
That’s when she cried. Not because she believed it instantly, but because she so desperately wanted it to be true.
Love is not a transaction. It doesn’t jump out of our bodies and land into someone else’s skin. The only way to get to feel love is if we think loving thoughts.
The Byron Katie moment
I shared one of my favourite lines with her:
“I love you – and there’s nothing you can do about it.” – Byron Katie
She laughed through her tears. And then she said: “That feels… free. Like love isn’t something I have to earn.”
Exactly.
Love is not something you extract from people. It’s something you create inside your own body with your own thoughts.
When you love someone, you feel the love.
Not them.
You.
Love is the most generous thing you do for yourself.
A final note for anyone learning to love again
Loving someone does not mean:
❌ approving of their behaviour
❌ agreeing with their decisions
❌ keeping them in your life
❌ sacrificing your boundaries
Loving someone simply means:
That when you think of them – even from far away – you choose a thought that creates love inside you.
Because love feels amazing. And you deserve to feel amazing.
And the more you expand your own lovability…
the more love you experience
the more peace you feel
the more connected you become
and the more your relationships soften and transform – without forcing anything.
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