Sylvia NicolasA client recently came to our coaching session frustrated with his team’s performance.
“They’re just not proactive enough.”
“They don’t have the competence required.”
“They won’t take ownership.”
As he listed their shortcomings, I listened. His complaints were reasonable and his frustration was real, but something didn’t quite add up.
Then I asked a simple question: “What role might you be playing in this?”
There was silence.
The uncomfortable truth
What happened next is what I call the “mirror moment” – that instant when a leader stops looking at their team’s failures and starts examining their own contribution to the situation.
My client’s face changed – I could see the wheels turning.
“Maybe… maybe I haven’t challenged them enough,” he admitted.
“I haven’t clearly expressed my expectations.”
Then came the really vulnerable part: “Perhaps I don’t feel legitimate in my role. Some of them are older and saw me grow in the company.”
There it was. The real issue wasn’t that his team lacked motivation or competence. The issue was that he’d never clearly communicated what he expected from them – partly because he wasn’t entirely sure he had the right to expect it.
Why leaders avoid the mirror
I’ve seen this pattern countless times in my coaching practice. Leaders complain about their teams while avoiding the harder question: “What am I doing – or not doing – that contributes to this problem?”
It’s not that these leaders are bad or incompetent. Looking in the mirror is simply uncomfortable. It’s much easier to focus on what others aren’t doing than to examine our own blind spots.
But what I’ve learned over my years working in HR and now as a leadership coach is this: Real change in any team starts with the leader’s willingness to be honest with themselves.
The shift from blame to accountability
After my client’s mirror moment, our conversation completely changed direction.
He stopped talking about what his team wasn’t doing and started focusing on what he needed to do differently:
“I need to clearly state my expectations and explain why they matter.”
“I should show them the impact and benefits of what I’m asking.”
“I need to make sure they have the right tools to develop.”
Notice the shift? From “they won’t” to “I haven’t.”
This is the transformation that every effective leader must make – from external blame to internal accountability.
The three questions every frustrated leader should ask
If you’re feeling frustrated with your team’s performance, before you do anything else, pause and ask yourself:
1. Have I clearly communicated my expectations?
Not just once in a team meeting, but consistently and specifically. Do your team members know exactly what success looks like in their roles? Can they articulate what you expect from them?
Many leaders assume their expectations are obvious. They’re rarely as clear as we think.
2. Have I explained the “why”?
People need more than instructions – they need context. Why does this work matter? What’s the impact? How does it connect to the bigger picture?
When team members understand the purpose behind what they’re doing, motivation follows naturally.
3. Have I given them the tools and support they need?
You can’t expect someone to build a house without proper tools. The same applies to your team. Have you provided the training, resources, and support necessary for them to succeed?
Sometimes what looks like lack of initiative is actually lack of capability – and that’s on us as leaders to address.
The legitimacy question
There was one more insight from my client’s story that’s worth highlighting: his admission that he didn’t feel fully legitimate in his role because some team members were older and had watched him grow in the company.
This is more common than you might think. Many leaders, especially newer ones, struggle with imposter syndrome. They worry they don’t have the right to set high expectations or hold people accountable.
But the truth is this:
Your position gives you the responsibility to lead, regardless of age or how long people have known you. What makes you legitimate isn’t your age or tenure – it’s your willingness to be clear, fair, and committed to your team’s development.
Where motivation really comes from
After working in HR and coaching leaders through career transitions and challenges, I’ve come to believe this: Motivation doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
You can’t simply demand that people be more proactive or take more ownership. You have to create the conditions where those behaviours can flourish.
That means:
- Crystal clear expectations
- Regular, honest feedback
- The right tools and training
- Understanding of the bigger picture
- Trust that you’ll support their growth
When these elements are in place, you’d be surprised how quickly “unmotivated” teams become engaged and proactive.
Your turn to look in the mirror
So let me ask you the same question I asked my client: If you’re frustrated with your team’s performance, what role might you be playing in creating that situation?
This isn’t about blame or guilt. It’s about recognising that as a leader, you have enormous influence over your team’s success or struggles.
The good news? Once you identify your part in the problem, you can start changing your team’s trajectory.
My client left our session with a completely different energy. Not frustrated and helpless, but clear and purposeful. He knew exactly what he needed to do next.
That’s the power of the mirror moment. It transforms you from a victim of your team’s shortcomings into an active agent of positive change.
And it all starts with one honest question: “What am I doing – or not doing – that’s contributing to this situation?”
The answer might be uncomfortable, but it’s also the beginning of becoming the leader your team actually needs.
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