Aggeliki FaitaRelationship problems and how to fix them – part 1
From auto-pilot emotions to intentional emotions
Have you ever noticed how quickly your emotions take control before you’ve even had a chance to think?
Your partner walks in late.
Your friend doesn’t reply.
Your child ignores you.
And instantly – your body reacts. Your heart beats faster. Your mind starts creating stories:
“He doesn’t respect me.”
“She doesn’t care.”
“I always come last.”
The truth is, most of us don’t respond to what actually happened.
We respond to what we made it mean about ourselves.
These reactions happen automatically – like a reflex.
This is what I call Auto-Pilot Emotion Mode.
It’s not a flaw. It’s simply your nervous system trying to protect you…
But in protecting you, it often creates the exact problems you are trying to avoid.
Try this idea on, like a jumper…
If it fits, keep it. If not, let it go. Just observe with curiosity.
Common relationship problems caused by auto-pilot emotions
When we are in Auto-Pilot Emotion Mode, we tend to:
- Manipulate situations to feel secure again
- Threaten or withdraw emotionally as a way to control outcomes
- People-please to avoid conflict (the most subtle form of self-abandonment)
- Say what we don’t truly feel just to keep the peace
- Assume we know what someone else is thinking – and react as if it’s already true
We don’t do these things because we’re bad people.
We do them because at that moment, our nervous system is urgently trying to protect us from emotional pain.
But what if pain isn’t something we need to protect ourselves from…
What if it’s something we can understand?
The shift: from Auto-Pilot Emotion Mode to Intentional Emotion Mode
Auto-Pilot Emotion Mode says:
“You made me feel this way.”
We hand over control of our emotional state to someone else. We wait for them to change so we can feel okay.
Intentional Emotion Mode says:
“I get to choose what this moment will mean for me.”
We still feel our emotions – but we stay responsible for how we interpret and respond.
This is not about pretending everything is fine.
It’s about reclaiming your emotional power.
Real-life example
Your partner said he would be home at 6pm.
It’s now 6:45. Dinner is cold. Your chest is tight.
Auto-Pilot Emotion Mode:
- “He doesn’t appreciate me.”
- “If he cared, he’d be on time.”
- “I give everything and get nothing back.”
By the time he walks in, your nervous system is already in fight-or-flight mode – not because of the lateness itself, but because of what you made it mean about you.
Pause…
Neutral fact: He is late. Everything else is interpretation. And when you become aware of that, you reclaim choice.
Intentional Emotion Mode:
- “He is late. That is a fact.”
- “My brain is interpreting this as rejection or disrespect. Is that the truth – or just an old story?”
You may still want to address the behaviour. That’s healthy.
But now you are speaking from clarity – not emotional panic.
Another common trigger: when someone doesn’t reply
You send a message. They’ve seen it.
Minutes pass. Then hours.
Your mind begins creating stories:
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Maybe I’m not important to them.”
“Are they ignoring me?”
Your heart drops – not because of the silence – but because of what your mind decided that silence means.
Neutral fact: They haven’t replied yet.
Everything else is your mind trying to create certainty and protect you from the discomfort of the unknown.
Intentional Emotion Mode might sound like:
- “They haven’t replied. That’s all I know for now.”
- “My brain wants to make this about my worth – but that’s just a thought, not the truth.”
- “I choose to stay grounded and not abandon myself while I wait.”
Maybe they’re overwhelmed. Maybe they’re in a meeting.
Maybe their silence has nothing to do with you.
When you respond from this grounded space, you stop abandoning yourself every time someone else goes quiet.
Why this matters
If your emotions depend on someone else’s actions, you will never feel truly stable or safe in a relationship.
But when you shift into Intentional Emotion Mode:
- You stop reacting from old wounds
- You start responding from self-worth
- You create emotional safety within – which transforms how others relate to you too
This is Part 1
In the next part, I’ll show you a simple, practical tool to help you with your relationships.
Are you ready to learn it?
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