The journey into parenthood is an exciting time for most couples, but that’s not to say it doesn’t come with its fair share of challenges, and it can have a huge impact on your relationship. Studies have shown that ⅔ of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction within the first three years of becoming parents.
What are the most common challenges for new parents?
Navigating Tiredness
One of the largest contributors to tension and issues in relationships is sleep deprivation. Lack of sleep can negatively affect physical and mental health and may cause you to be more abrasive than usual. This can cause communication breakdowns, putting more strain on your relationship.
Financial Challenges
Having children is hugely disruptive from a financial perspective; not only do you have to pay a lot of money for all the relevant items, but typically, one partner will stop working (or go on maternity leave) to look after the baby. This puts a lot of financial strain on a couple, and many studies show that couples need more tension and/or conflict to overcome this.
Lack of Attention
When a couple becomes parents for the first time, they can struggle with the idea that they are no longer their partner’s priority. This can manifest in many ways, such as all their partner’s attention and efforts being spent on the baby with little to no attention spared for their partner. This goes both ways; dads typically feel like they get no attention from the mother, and mothers feel like they’re forgotten about because everyone focuses on the baby.
Navigating a change of roles
In today’s modern society, typically, before a couple has children, they work to provide for the household. However, when you become a new parent, these roles change, and one person tends to stay home to look after the child. This can be a tough adjustment for all parties. The parent at home might feel like they don’t get a break or lose their individuality, whereas the parent working might feel like they’re missing out or have the short end of the stick. With emotions heightened, it can be challenging to discuss and address this in a way that leads to understanding.
Adjusting to new sex routines & habits
Most medical practitioners will advise that you avoid having sex for at least six weeks after childbirth to allow the woman’s body to heal correctly. Once those six weeks have passed, however, a whole barrage of other reasons why you might have sex less hit. Between work and navigating parenthood, couples find themselves with significantly less downtime, which eats away at their opportunities for intimacy. On top of the increased schedule, a lot of women report body image issues and a low libido directly after having children, which can minimise the desire to have sex, even in those few periods of downtime. This can cause a strain on relationships where one partner might not feel like their needs are met, or they feel like they’ve lost their sense of intimacy with their partner.
How to overcome these challenges and grow together as a couple while parenting
The most important way to overcome the challenges parenthood adds to your relationship is to communicate and never break the foundation of love and respect. It’s OK to disagree or to express your feelings. It’s not OK to do either of these things in a nasty or abrasive way. Doing so will cause your partner to put their guard up and/or distance themselves, which only causes more issues further down the road.
When we work with new parents, some of the most effective coping strategies we introduce include:
Leverage your support system
It is true what they say: raising children takes a village, and you must leverage yours. Having a support system around you that can look after the baby while you catch up on sleep or go out for dinner to allow you both to connect can make a massive difference to your relationship.
Let things go and make up
Learning when to let things go is important to help your relationship stay on track. Let it slide if your partner snapped at you because they were sleep-deprived. Sometimes, bringing it up and making a meal out of it will only cause that person to get defensive. If they’ve said something genuinely hurtful, wait for the right time to bring it up, where you can communicate it in a productive environment.
Secondly, I want to learn the art of making up. It doesn’t always have to be when you’ve hashed things out or had long, drawn-out conversations. It could be as simple as making the person a cup of tea or their favourite snacks to make them feel better.
Understanding that many of your partner’s responses aren’t personal but a reflection of how they feel internally at that moment will help you navigate difficult periods with love and respect.
Re-think your definition of intimacy
Finding the right time and situation for great sex might be more challenging for new parents, but that doesn’t mean you have to lose all intimacy in a relationship. Find out your love languages to understand how your partner needs to feel loved, and then make a conscious effort to support this. Taking the time to prioritise other forms of intimacy will remove a lot of the pressure associated with having sex.
Try couples counselling or therapy
Couples therapy or counselling could be a good option if you’re having difficulty navigating parenthood as a couple. It will allow you to sit down and reflect on what’s causing your issues and how each of you feels. Having a safe space to work through these challenges together can make a massive difference to how quickly you overcome hurdles.
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