Gabrielle CollardImagine you’re at a life coaching session, sipping a cuppa and trying to muster the courage to admit something that’s been gnawing at you. “I’m lonely”, you whisper.
You brace yourself for a dramatic gasp, perhaps even a fainting spell.
But the coach merely nods sagely.
You’re definitely not alone in feeling alone. According to a rather eye-opening Gallup survey from 2023, a quarter of the world’s population feels lonely.
But loneliness isn’t just an emotional inconvenience like running out of milk when you’re gagging for a brew. It causes mischief with our physical health too. It’s enough to make your heart ache – quite literally, as it turns out.
And there’s no one-size fits-all remedy, despite all and sundry telling you to “just go out and make friends!” (helpful, not).
A life coach or therapist would typically explore what you mean when you say you’re lonely, in an effort to pin down the actual culprit. This is because the true source of our achy-breaky hearts isn’t always obvious, even to ourselves.
In the effort to narrow down the search for a remedy, I’ve put together 6 archetypes to explore the sources of lonely feelings. You can jump straight to each one, or just read the whole thing from beginning to end.
1 – “Adrift Without an Anchor”
4 – “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”
1 – “Adrift Without an Anchor”
Picture this: you’ve been part of a dynamic duo for donkey’s years. Your partner was so woven into the fabric of your life that you can’t quite remember where they ended and you began. It was all so cozy and familiar, like a well-worn pair of slippers.
But now, in a twist worthy of one of those daytime soaps, they’re gone. Poof! And suddenly, you’re adrift, feeling like a solo act in a world built for double bills.
There you are, the lone prawn at a wedding buffet, surrounded by couples cooing like love-struck pigeons. Or perhaps you’re facing a holiday alone, wondering how on earth you’ll fill those long summer days without someone to share your ice cream or argue over the crossword puzzle.
Now, before we all reach for the violins, let’s put the needle back on this record.
This type of loneliness calls for more than just a stiff upper lip. It requires a proper mindset overhaul.
It’s time to rediscover the ‘you’ in, well, you!
Yes, we humans need connection. But expecting one person to fulfil all your needs? That’s a tall order for anyone. It’s like asking your cat to do the washing up – charming idea, but not practical.
Remember, anchors hold you down. They’re brilliant for boats, not so much for people. You are not a boat. You’re more of a… well, let’s say a magnificent sea creature. A dolphin, perhaps?
So, it’s time to dive into discovering yourself. Who knows what treasures you might find once you start exploring?
In the end, you don’t need an anchor when you can swim.
2 – “World Stood Still”
You know that eerie feeling when you’re the last one awake in a silent house, wondering if the world’s forgotten to keep spinning? For most of us, it’s just a fleeting moment, gone with the morning light.
Or imagine being in solitary confinement. Hopefully, that’s not you. But perhaps you’re living alone, working remotely, and suddenly realise you haven’t uttered a word to another soul in days. The walls start closing in and before you know it, you’re having in-depth conversations with your houseplants. (No judgement, we’ve all been there.)
The culprit? You’re not being seen or heard, let alone understood. You’re lacking that basic human connection, that “level 1” link to the outside world. Without it, you might as well be a ghost haunting your own life.
No wonder solitary confinement is used as punishment – it’s enough to make anyone start questioning their existence!
Worry not, my isolated friends. There’s a simple remedy, and it doesn’t involve befriending the first person you see (though if you do, perhaps avoid opening with “You’re the first person I’ve spoken to in days”). All it takes is a little venture outside.
Go and mingle in the town centre, grab a coffee, or simply take a stroll where other humans roam.
Remember, you don’t need to make lifelong friends or engage in deep philosophical debates (although a bit of small talk goes a long way to making us feel connected). Just being among the hustle and bustle of life can be enough to remind you that the world is indeed still turning.
So go on, step outside. The world’s waiting for you, and I promise it hasn’t stood still after all.
3 – “Close but no cigar”
Picture this: You’ve got more friends than you can count on both hands (and feet), a social calendar that would make the Kardashians’ look positively barren, and colleagues who are actually pleasant (imagine that!).
Or perhaps you’re a mum, surrounded by little ones and fellow school-gate chatterboxes. And yet… there’s still this nagging feeling of loneliness. It’s like having a full roast dinner in front of you but still feeling peckish.
Now, it’s easy to point the finger at your single status. “Ah,” you think, “if only I had a romantic partner, then all would be right with the world!“.
But hold your horses for one moment. Are all single people suffering from loneliness? Have you ever seen a miserable nun? Well, I haven’t, but maybe that’s because I live in Spain where nuns spend their lives baking delicious cakes and pastries. I digress…
The real culprit here is a lack of intimacy. Not the saucy kind you see in films, mind you, but the kind where you can bare your soul without fear. Everyone in your life is at arm’s length, like you’re doing a never-ending conga line.
Physical contact is good for humans. But emotional intimacy is important too. You see, the most resilient people tend to have someone they can regularly confide in.
The thing to remember is that sexual intimacy isn’t the be-all and end-all solution to this type of loneliness. It’s not like Cupid’s arrow is a magic cure-all. You can find other ways of sharing your inner thoughts and being intimate, just like our nun friends do.
So forget Prince or Princess charming for a moment and look for connections that allow you to be your true self. Remember, intimacy comes in many forms, and sometimes the closest connections are found in the most unexpected places. Who knows? Your “cigar” moment might be just around the corner. Euphemism unintended.
4 – “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”
Imagine waking up one morning to find that your friends and family have seemingly been replaced by pod people. No, they haven’t sprouted tentacles or turned green (although that might be easier to spot).
Instead, they’ve voted for the ‘wrong’ party, they’re all chatting away to their AI assistants like old chums, and they’ve embraced societal changes that leave you feeling like you’ve stepped into an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Suddenly, you’re the odd one out. The lone human in a world of… well, not-quite-humans. It’s as if everyone’s been kidnapped and replaced by aliens who look remarkably like your Auntie Susan but definitely don’t share her views on fiscal policy.
Now, before you start fashioning a tin foil hat, let’s take a breath. This type of loneliness is actually a form of alienation and it’s only natural to feel a bit threatened by it all. After all, we humans are wired to be part of a tribe. Back in the day, being kicked out of the tribe meant you’d likely end up as a snack for a sabre-toothed tiger.
So, you keep mum. You nod and smile and pretend you’re totally on board with the brave new world. But inside, you’re screaming, “Has everyone gone mad?!”
Here’s a thought, though: Will sharing your beliefs really turn you into a social pariah, or is that just an assumption? Maybe, just maybe, if you voiced your thoughts, you’d find that not everyone is as gung-ho about the current trajectory as you think.
After all, isn’t the whole point of close relationships to feel comfortable sharing our ideas, thoughts, and beliefs? To be our true selves, warts and all? And if your current circle isn’t receptive, well, that’s what the internet is for. It’s a wonderful tool for finding like-minded people who also think cash is still king or who aren’t quite ready to marry their AI assistants.
So, don’t be too quick to assume you’re the last human on Earth. Chances are, there are plenty of others out there feeling just as bewildered as you. And who knows? You might even find your tribe of fellow ‘aliens’ right under your nose.
5 – “Not in Kansas Anymore”
Moving to a new city where you don’t know a soul is one thing. It’s like being handed a jigsaw puzzle with no picture on the box. But moving to a new country? Well, that’s like being handed the same puzzle, except now all the pieces are blank and the instructions are written in Klingon.
You see, it’s not like going on holiday abroad, where everything is delightfully novel and interesting. “Oh, look at their funny money!”.
No, when you actually move there, you’re shown through a different door altogether.
Suddenly, you’re expected to navigate this yellow brick road of daily life, relearning everything from how to buy fruit to how to file your taxes. It’s like being a toddler again, only taller and with more paperwork.
Frustrations abound because life stubbornly refuses to behave the way it’s supposed to. And there you are, with no one to vent to who understands your swear words. No one who truly gets where you’re coming from. It’s enough to make you want to click your heels three times and go home.
You see, you’ve become unplugged, not just from your social network, but from your cultural one too. It’s like someone’s pulled out all your cables and now you’re staring at a wall of foreign sockets, wondering which adapter to use.
Now, before you start planning your escape via hot air balloon, remember, this type of loneliness is par for the course when it comes to long-distance moves.
The task now is to plug yourself back in. And yes, it’s a bit more complicated than just finding the right adapter. There are therapists and coaches who deal with this specific type of loneliness for a reason. It’s a multi-faceted type of loneliness that takes time to cure, like a particularly stubborn case of jet lag.
In the meantime, reaching out to expat networks can be a lifeline. Think of it as finding your own little piece of Kansas in this strange new world. You might not be able to click your heels and go home, but you can certainly find others who understand the unique challenges of being a fish out of water.
Remember, Dorothy eventually found her way in Oz, and so will you.
6 – “In Between Days”
Life has a funny way of turning pages when we least expect it. One day you’re happily ensconced in your familiar world, and the next, you’re staring at a blank page, wondering where all the words went.
Perhaps you’ve experienced a personal growth spurt that’s left your old friendships feeling like last season’s fashions – a bit tight and no longer quite your style. Or maybe you’ve joined the sleep-deprived ranks of new parents, where socialising often means chatting to a baby who’s more interested in their toes than your thoughts on current events.
For some, it’s a matter of shedding bad influences faster than a snake sheds its skin. You’ve decided to swap the pub crawls for park runs, and suddenly your social circle looks decidedly empty.
Or perhaps your work was your world, but now you’ve changed jobs or industries, and your network has vanished like a sandcastle at high tide.
Now, before you start feeling like the last dinosaur after the meteor hit, remember that change, however uncomfortable, is often the precursor to something wonderful. It’s like outgrowing your favourite pair of shoes. Yes, they’ve carried you far and you’ve had some smashing times together, but now they’re causing you pain. However much you loved them, it’s time to move on.
We have to admit to ourselves that we’ve changed, and certain things must be left behind for us to flourish.
So, embrace this “in between” time. Yes, it’s lonely. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But it’s also full of potential. That empty page you’re facing? It’s not a dead end – it’s an invitation to write a new chapter.
Only the lonely
From feeling adrift to thinking the world’s gone mad, we’ve covered quite a bit of ground.
But remember, loneliness doesn’t have to be a life sentence – treat it like a temporary layover on your grand adventure.
And whether you’re feeling like a fish out of water or just in between chapters, know that you’re not alone in feeling alone.
Photo: Ike louie Natividad
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