Actions over answers: real emotional intelligence at work

There’s knowing, and then there’s knowing

Among the worst interview questions I’ve seen too often is “What are the hallmarks of good teamwork?” It’s terrible because good answers to it tell you nothing about a candidate’s teamworking skills; you can probably find good answers by Googling, and knowing what good teamwork is doesn’t mean at all that you are good at it. It’s all too true that being good at interviews doesn’t mean you’re a good employee. It still surprises and disappoints me that so much recruiting is almost entirely based on interviews.

Another example is about people being able to say yes and no. Most relatively intelligent people know how to say yay or nay and, in fact, could give sensible advice about these apparently simple responses: “Take your time before answering,” “Don’t be too flattered by the invitation,” “Allow your concern for the person’s feelings to affect how you answer, not what your answer is.” Yet, many very clever people have a lot of difficulty, for instance, in saying no to requests or invitations. Understanding what’s “good practice” doesn’t mean you do it.

When I’m coaching clients about these difficulties (however old, young, senior, or “junior” they may be), I don’t find a lack of understanding. Rather, I always find that what sits beneath their difficulty are some emotions. There are some give-away phrases that might pop up: “I don’t like confrontation,” “I’m a people-pleaser.” Often, however, I have found that these propensities aren’t recognized by the clients but become clear when we explore situations, issues, and past challenges.

My role as a coach is never to give super advice about best practices; in these cases, it is rather to help them acknowledge, understand, and “know” these emotional backdrops, explore possible options for managing them, or manage the yes/no situations without allowing their emotional “baggage” to dominate.

There are so many types of intelligence. I’m hopelessly lost without a SatNav but unusually good at many word games. I can’t calculate 8 moves ahead over a chess board, but I can read between the lines well, and so forth. The phrase “emotionally intelligent” is a bit of a misnomer if we assume intelligence is akin to calculating or deducing. In coaching (as in influencing and leading), we have to be attuned to clients’ emotional backdrops, attitudes, biases, and sensitivities. One of the roles we have in coaching is helping clients to become more attuned to their own.

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko

Adam Wickings
Verified Coach
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Drawing on his experience as a business director and COO, Adam offers leadership coaching that goes beyond the ordinary. His philosophical insight and tall ship sailing background bring a unique perspective, helping clients navigate complex workplace challenges with confidence and skill. Email adam@awickings-coaching.co.uk or book a free consultation here.

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